These Are The Things I Can't Fucking Remember Lyrics

These Are The Things I Can’t Fucking Remember

by Katie Goodman and Soren Kisiel
copyright 2008

C-F-Dm-G
Am-F-G-G 

I thought I’d bought a new toothbrush

I could swear I remember buying it, I think it was pink

But then my husband walks in while I’m brushing my teeth

And says

Why was I using the toothbrush we keep to scrub the bathroom sink?

C-F-Dm-G

These are the things, that I

Can’t fucking remember.

These are the things, that I

Can’t fucking recall.

Dm-G-Dm-G

Where’d I park my car?

What did I eat last night that went right through me?

Why can’t I remember to bring in my canvas shopping bags?

And which are the Shiites and which are the Sunnis?

C-F-Dm-G

These are the things, that I

Can’t fucking remember.

These are the things, that I

Just can’t recall.

Dm-G-Dm-G

Which is the good cholesterol?

And which is the bad?

And where’d I leave my cell phone? …Oh yeah. Shit.

That’s the fourth one I’ve had!

Am-G- Dm- C- G
Gm- G#dim – Am

The name of my hair dye shade,

I have four boxes I’ll never use and I’m

Tellin’ ya the sad part is I buy

The same wrong shade every time.

C-F-Dm-G

These are the things, that I

Can’t fucking remember.

These are the things that my

40-year-old brain just can’t recall

F-G-F-G

What time does my plane get in?

And did I tell my Mom when my plane gets in?

And did I already check in?

And where’d I put that paper with my confirmation number?

And if I don’t have my confirmation number then I need my frequent flyer number.

I mean who the fuck knows their frequent flyer number?!

If they care that I’m a frequent flyer then why don’t they know my fucking number?

I mean how do they expect me to know my number,

when I can’t even remember if I put in a tampon or not!?

Am-G- Dm- C- G
Am-G- Dm- C- G

One time I went to change my tampon

And I found two

Okay, that was over the line and now

I’ve lost you….

C-F-Dm-G

These are the things, that I

Can’t fucking remember.

These are the things, that I

Can’t fucking recall.

F-G-F-G

And I… And I… Um… And I… I-yi-yi-yi-yiii-

C-F-Dm-G

These are the things, that I

Can’t fucking remember.

Come on come on come on!

(Audience repeat)

These are the things, that I

Can’t fucking recall.

C-F-Dm-G

These are the things, that I

Can’t fucking remember.

These are the things, that I--

Wait! Wait! Oh shit! Guys! Did we do this song already? Shit.